I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
