his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
