I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
