Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
