My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
