Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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