the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize