babies were throwing up all over the place
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
