This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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