You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
