Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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