this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
