just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
