I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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