there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
