I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You can't just leave with hair like that
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Randomize
