apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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