All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We have so much sex to catch up on
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
