i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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