I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
