The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
