Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
