if you like me you must not know who I am
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
