mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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