you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
