Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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