I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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