Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
