i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
