i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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