im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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