this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
