woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
