Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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