I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
