based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She even gives head with a lisp.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
