I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
