First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
