I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
