woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I think people are normalizing furries
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
