I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
