im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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