i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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