I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My penis needs a shock collar
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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