i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
