I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
