I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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