I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
