What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
