Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
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